Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
