i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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