I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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