We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
