The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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