I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
