Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
