I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
