Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
