Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
