I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
