No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
