Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
