Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
