where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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