dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
