Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
