In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
