So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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