I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
