I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
