her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
