i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
