I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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