you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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