I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
