So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
