plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Come share oat with me in your robe
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
