You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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