I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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