I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
