Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
