Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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