The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
