She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
