I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
