You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
