If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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