You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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