watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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