My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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