Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
