Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
