i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
