she was so not down for the gang bang
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
