My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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