you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
