Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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