Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
