yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
