theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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