guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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