I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
