I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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