Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
