Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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