the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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