you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
