So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am one with the molecules
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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